Where should I start? I have so many thoughts going around my head, so many feelings and emotions running through me that I just can't handle anymore. These last 2 years have been a thorn on my side. It is sad to think and hope that when I'm done with going through what I'm going through that I look back at these last two years of my life as just a blank time or just an unmentionable time? I don't like what I'm feeling, and going through. I'm not employed at the moment, I have no motivation to look for a job and when I do I get no response. Home life is eh. I wish I wasn't here right now. I wish to be out of CT and somewhere else in the U.S but this could be my self-conscious just trying to run away from all the pain, problems and suffering.
All I can remember is that I'm not the same person I was years ago. The old me used to be goal-orientated, motivated, moving and pursuing things. I used to be much happier, more encouraging, much lovable and open. I'm so cold, lonely, depressed and useless. What is wrong with me and why can't I get out of this rut? I just want the world to know what I'm going through but I have such a hard time opening up to my friends. The ones I love and cared for I have no want or care anymore with them. How messed up is that? I want to be alone yet I don't want to at the same time. I want to disappear but I can't because I'm so active in so many organizations and groups. I feel like I'm performing, hiding my true feelings and I don't know how long I can do this until I burst. I pray that I can seek professional help for this depression and that my circumstances would change. I guess its hard to push yourself when you don't want to be pushed at the same time. But I must and I should and I hope I can.
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