So annoyed with life and everything

It has been a very long time since I've written on here. I always find myself so torn in two when it comes to writing on a blog online compared to my old fashion journal. I guess I'll shall write about what's going on with me here now because I think my wrist will not be able to write everything quickly compared to typing it out lol.

Where should I start? I have so many thoughts going around my head, so many feelings and emotions running through me that I just can't handle anymore. These last 2 years have been a thorn on my side. It is sad to think and hope that when I'm done with going through what I'm going through that I look back at these last two years of my life as just a blank time or just an unmentionable time? I don't like what I'm feeling, and going through. I'm not employed at the moment, I have no motivation to look for a job and when I do I get no response. Home life is eh. I wish I wasn't here right now. I wish to be out of CT and somewhere else in the U.S but this could be my self-conscious just trying to run away from all the pain, problems and suffering.

All I can remember is that I'm not the same person I was years ago. The old me used to be goal-orientated, motivated, moving and pursuing things. I used to be much happier, more encouraging, much lovable and open. I'm so cold, lonely, depressed and useless. What is wrong with me and why can't I get out of this rut? I just want the world to know what I'm going through but I have such a hard time opening up to my friends. The ones I love and cared for I have no want or care anymore with them. How messed up is that? I want to be alone yet I don't want to at the same time. I want to disappear but I can't because I'm so active in so many organizations and groups. I feel like I'm performing, hiding my true feelings and I don't know how long I can do this until I burst. I pray that I can seek professional help for this depression and that my circumstances would change. I guess its hard to push yourself when you don't want to be pushed at the same time. But I must and I should and I hope I can.

A Year Later....

So its been a year since I've written in here and I was accepted into an internship with Campus Crusade for Christ. Well a lot has happened and looking back at the title of this blog God definitely knew what he was doing lol.

Summer of 09 was spent support raising 24/7, working, leading youth group and dealing with life. Well I had a good amount of my support in, but unfortunately I didn't have enough to meet the deadline back in August but many didn't have their support in by that time as well. So I was given an extension until October/November but still nothing came in and by than I was just so discouraged. I question why I couldn't raise my support. Was it my lack of faith? What this not part of God's will for my life? Can it be that I'm a Latina, living in CT, not knowing many professional people who can give on a monthly basis effect the way I can serve in an organization like this? As you can see I've pondered these questions over and over in my mind. Yet I felt so confused, hurt, I just felt like a complete failure. Because this option was not in my "Plan" for this coming year. I never planned the "what if I don't raise my support". So here I am back in March I'm unemployed but still searching for a good full-time job.
I worked the summer of 09 got laid off by September because it was a temp job but I've been collecting from that but man I'm just ready to do something. Yet I have little motivation to do so. I know this can be my lazy flesh just acting up but I just still feel hurt from the whole year journey. I know God has called me to do this, to be part of Campus Crusade to serve and be a missionary but why did it work out this way?
Many of my friends have told me, maybe this is a time to get all your debts taken care off and then start fresh and by this time I can build a great network of friends who will give in the future. Which I can figure can be true and who knows maybe that's what God is doing.

I know that none of this(this whole process of joining Campus Crusade and support raising). I remember my family especially my mom was so hesitant of me joining. She pictured me going to grad school and becoming a Psychologist and open my own office. But I just don't see that my heart is for the lost. I love Christ, I love his love story aka Gospel, I want people to know and experience Him. I want to tell others i.e college students, students, adults, children just anyone about him. I must understand that although I can't do it as a full time job I can still do it at home while he's preparing for me next.

So I thought, let me give this blog some justice and update it although I know no one reads it. But although I didn't get to "reach my goal" God is good. I know he's brought me through this struggle for a reason that I'm still learning. Learning to trust, to grow and really to let go and let Him do the rest. Be encouraged and God bless!

Zori

Acceptance

Hello again,

Just a quick update. So I believe I wrote before about my thoughts of joining and working in full time ministry with a christian organization called Campus Crusade for Christ. Well I have good news.. I've been accepted to intern with them full-time for the next school year Sept. 2009. So I'm excited for that. I've been praying about this now for about 2 years or more. And God totally allowed it to happen, now the next step is support raising to get to work on campus. So keep me in your prayers if anything. I know this economy is rough but nothing is impossible with God. I know a friend at the moment who is raising support to work full-time staff for the same organization and he has about 88% percent of his support in so praise the Lord for that.

Other than those news, nothing new for me. I've been able to find a temporary job with Bank of America next month helping out in the Tax Season for the IRS so I'm looking forward to that. But at the moment I must continue to look for a job that I can stick with until August or so. So I pray that God will provide with that. So that's about it, at the moment I'm feeling sick with a cold so I can hardly see this screen more of feeling and mentally typing if anything and if that made any sense lol. Take care and God bless u always!

In Christ,
Zori

New Entry

So its always weird to start a new entry to a new journal. Anyhow, I just wanted to make this journal different from the ones I have had before. The goal for this journal is to share my experiences, thoughts and just the ups and downs of where God is leading me not only this year but for what he has in store for my life. 

Well to begin, I just recently graduated from college specially Uconn (I'm sure many of you have heard it before lol). Well I graduated with a psychology degree but still looking for a job. At the moment haven't found anything but hopefully soon. At the same time I'm interested in doing an internship with a christian ministry called "Campus Crusade for Christ" back at my university. Hopefully I'll hear from that soon about my acceptance and God willing start raising support. I know for many that's suicide especially when this economy is struggling like crazy. But I know  a friend who is currently raising support to join staff and he has about 90% of his support in. So its encouraging to see even through difficult times that God can provide and I know that God will be with me and will help me through it. Please pray for me tho!! 

Well for now that's my update. hopefully I can update this journal more often. Take care ya and God bless!